Happy.

Dear loyal blog readers- I'm talking to you mom. Time for an update.

I have been back in Houston for a little over 4 months now. It has been tough to say the least. It's been tough because I have been so ready for things to happen and move at a fast pace. I have been ready, ready for the next adventure, the next step, the next phase in this blessed life that I lead. I feel like I have waited long enough and suffered hard enough and here we go I am ready for greater and better things. But 4 months have gone by and I am still here. So what gives?

But the last 4 months, while tough, have been about growth and reflection and have been filled with blessings. This whole time I've been trying to figure out the next step for me as a professional. Where do I go from here. I am talented, eager to learn, and want so badly to progress. I want to be a top rider and competitor someday. Unfortunately, there are no real programs in this country to foster those ambitions.... unless you have money to spend on top quality horses and trainers. So the logical thing to do is be a working student and work from the ground up and learn what you can and hook up with the right people. I did that for almost 2 years at Tempel and did a damn good job at it. But, I also saw some of the negatives to not having money and selling yourself into slavery- you work long hours, have no energy, and are for the most part completely taken advantage of. Such is the life of a working student, but that shouldn't mean it has to be. Surely not all working student situations are like this? Right? I am so unbelievably grateful for my experiences at Tempel because I can learn from them and grow. There were a lot of sweat and a lot of tears but ultimately I only have one regret. The affect it had on Caruso. I still to this day feel guilty that perhaps his quality of life suffered because of it.

So I have been looking for other working student opportunities and was lucky enough to fly out to California to interview for a great job just a few weeks ago. Everything went great. The facility was nice, the quality of horses was wonderful, the training was excellent, I would do more riding than I ever did at Tempel, it was just perfect.....but I couldn't help but ignore the same tendencies it had to Tempel. I couldn't ignore that sinking feeling in my gut that said, "it's not right." I ignored those sinking feelings when I was at Tempel and I couldn't ignore them again. I promised Caruso that I'd never put him in that same compromising situation again when I left Tempel and I have to stay true to my word.

In a lot of ways that job was everything I ever wanted, but in reality it wasn't. So what do I want? When I was in California I realized just how much affect Tempel had on me. A lot of me still hasn't gotten over the devastation of it all. It still makes me just as sick today as it did the night I realized I needed to pack my bags and leave as soon as I could, because hell, I'm better than that crap. Never again. Has it made me a little gun shy? Maybe. But it's also made me smarter. I think at this point maybe I shouldn't be in a working student position. Maybe I should just focus on Caruso's training for a 2-3 months without the stress of work, and go from there. I'm hoping to go to a place in Virginia in the next month or so. After 2-3 months I might have a better idea of what I should be doing. Everyone and their mother has told me that at 11 years old Caruso will never do a clean flying change if he hasn't done them consistently already, but damnit I want to at least give him a shot. If in 6 months that's still the case I might decide to sell him, but I'm not ready. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I like that horse so damn much.

Even though I'm still here in Houston I feel like I've made a lot of forward progress and I am so thankful for the time spent with friends and family. I am so thankful for Hearthstone, my second home. It's sometimes the only thing I look forward to in my day. Besides getting to see Caruso, the people there are so supportive and are people I genuinely like and care about. It is and always will be my home base.

I can't see into the future, but I trust in God's plan for me, whatever it may be, and I continue to ask for wisdom beyond my years.

Deep down I know that things will work out for the best, and that there is always hope for a better tomorrow.

"Ain't no feeling like being free, when your mind's made up and your heart is in the right place...."