Happy.

Hey look everyone- I'm updating my blog. You can thank me later....

Lets see, lets see, what is new in my life. It is FALL now...slowly transitioning into winter. It is mostly in the 50's during the day and the 30's and 40's at night. One day last week it even started snowing, even if only for a couple seconds, but it was snow nonetheless. I am just bracing myself for winter. I have painful memories of waking up long before the sun does and turning out horses- as the wind grates at your skin. You know what? I'm not even going to think about it. I will have plenty of time for that later. Never mind.

The God forsaken mice are back in my cabin. Can I just mention again that they can CLIMB UP MY FIREPLACE?!??! Does that not send anyone else into a disgusted seizure? They make my skin curl. My cabin is essentially one big room and it wouldn't be hard for them to run from the fireplace to the kitchen to my BED. The first night I heard them I literally couldn't sleep the whole night. Needless to say, I keep my cabin spotless because of it. But you know, while I'm on the subject, let me just tell you about some of my horror stories with them....

So, after the first night of sleeplessness, I rushed to walmart and bought a huge supply of poison and glue traps for them, because, let's face it, we just can't share the same living space. So, I set them up and I go to bed. At first it's fine, but come about midnight I hear blood curling screams coming from somewhere and I hear feet scurrying. I am disgusted, trying to tune them out, hoping that my traps and poison do the trick. I can't sleep. I get up in the morning, turn on all the lights, and check my mouse traps. They are all empty. I go into the kitchen and there at my feet is a giant mouse in a glue trap, about 3 feet from where I had set it the night before. That's gross, you say- but wait, there is more- it's still alive and kicking; fighting for it's life. Now, I realized this then, but the only thing more disgusting than laying in your bed listening to mice scream and scatter is watching a mouse struggle and scream for it's life a foot in front of you. It was horrible to watch. I almost threw up. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't throw it away still alive. I decided to leave it and if it could escape than so be it but hopefully it would die and I could throw it away later. Horrible. I know. So I came back at lunch, ready to do what I needed to do. It was still there- struggling. Still alive and kicking. It cried out to me and I just stood. It looked at me and said "why Andy? Why do you have to kill? How can you be so heartless?" I quickly left. I wasn't hungry for lunch. I came back again after work. There it lay. Pitiful. Helpless. Alone. Desperate. Resigned. Humiliated. I just wanted it to be easy. To throw it away. To get it out of my life. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. I swept it into a dust pan, threw it away, and cried. It was horrible. Now that we've established myself as a murderer, let me tell you the rest of the story. I had poison out too remember, and it was gone plenty fast, all of it. Of course the thing about poison is that the mice die in your cabin. A couple days after I noticed the poison had left I started smelling this horrible stench of you know what. I, reluctantly, tried to find where it was coming from to no avail. I resolved that there are a bunch of dead mice in between the wall of my kitchen and bathroom sinks. What am I supposed to do. The stench of death now haunts me in my cabin. I feel like Lady Macbeth, who, after committing a murder, always sees the blood on her hands for years and years after. I deserve it.

Jochen has been gone on vacation for 2 weeks, which was the perfect time for Caruso to get an abscess. He has been off for 2 weeks and I am about to go ride him for the first time since then.

So that is my life- mice and abscesses. I still love it here. I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be. It has been such a growing up experience for me. I have had to learn so much. I love my dear Caruso- even though it hasn't been the easiest. I just kick myself in the head every time I see some young rider doing Grand Prix or winning at FEI. It could have so easily been me- why couldn't it have been me? Why can't it be me? I am ready. I want it so bad; so bad it hurts. But I am here, and this is where I am sure that God intended me to be.

There has always been a part of me that has known that this is what I want for my life. It is the only thing I am truly confidant about. It's what keeps me alive, it's what keeps me going. There is such a fire in me to do what I love and nothing else. For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. As long as I am doing what I love unashamedly and wholeheartedly I am happy. Everything else can wait. I just wish so badly the same for everyone else. That nothing else matters but doing what they love. 

I look at my sister, who is now doing missions work in Bolivia with her husband and I am just so overjoyed. It is all she has ever wanted- to be and connect with people and to share God's love. I am so proud of her because it is all I could ever wish for her. She is so happy. It is all I could ever wish for anyone.  

My favorite video of the moment: