Ah yes, the snow is painfully cold. The wind is painfully cold. The air is painfully cold. It stings. It burns. It holds on and refuses to let go. I hate the snow. I hate the cold. I hate the darkness. Just leave me be.
It is cold. Turning out horses before sunrise is almost unbearable. Such is life..
Work is- work. The days keep blending into the next. I can't tell you how many times I say to myself, "haven't I already done this today," even when I haven't. I am always on my feet for 11, sometimes 12 hours a day. Running around trying to please everybody. I know. I shouldn't complain. I love working with horses. I am so fortunate to ride some of the lipizzans- to ride Caruso with Jochen. I should just be grateful. I am. I just get overwhelmed, exhausted, and frustrated.
I am really ambitious. I think you have to be. But almost always it sets me up for disappointment. Dressage is not any easy business. Every horse is so different. I love my dear Caruso- but I get so frustrated with him. so frustrated. I guess I expect more from him than I should. I lose my patience because I'm just so tired. His changes were sort of getting better. I wanted to believe they were. Then we just hit a wall. Late every time. Even late when Jochen rode him. We are back doing the basics again. Jochen has helped me so much with him. Caruso feels so much better. I keep saying that it's only a matter of time. I almost don't believe it anymore.....okay, maybe I do....I've had Caruso for 2 and a half years. He is 10 already! He has the same damn problem now as he did then. Isn't it about time? No. I guess it's not :) I'll just keep on pushing...
Enough about my lame-o pity party.....
I do this because it's what I love wholeheartedly. It consumes me.
I decided not to go to college because it felt so wrong. So wrong. Sitting in those damn classes I just knew it wasn't for me. I felt like I was wasting everybody's time. I have never been more miserable than I have in a classroom. I know I made the right decision.
I am pursuing what I love. I am so thankful for that. It's the only reason I haven't killed myself.
And so my dear Caruso, one day we will get this thing, and then I can die.
2 comments:
andy. that was the most depressing thing i've ever read. that stinks about caruso, that really is frustrating. but if dressage is all you're living for, you know that won't ever satisfy you. i can't wait to see you at christmas. i think we'll be in houston on the 20th. i wish it would snow in bolivia, just for like a second. send it our way?? haha :) love you! sara
preach it sister.
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