Happy.

I am by no means trying to belabor the point that I do not want to go to college or that it is simply not for me, I just have been thinking a lot about this lately and need to write about it. It is one of the most profound moments I have ever experienced in my life.

My first semester out of high school I was, reluctantly, taking a semester of community college at an HCC literally 5 minutes from my barn. I would wake up, go to classes, then head to the barn. It was an ideal situation. I was taking a history class, an economics class, an algebra II class, and an accounting class; all geared to help me meet the requirements for a business degree. I had chosen to do community college because, as you know, I wanted to keep riding horses just as much, and, let's face it, it was a heck of a lot cheaper. 

The only class I really enjoyed was Algebra- partly because I generally enjoy math and partly because I already knew pretty much everything we were learning. It was at 8 in the morning 3 times a week and I could jet out of there and be at the barn by 9:10. My other classes, not so much. Accounting was maybe the worst. I had so much trouble seeing what all the fuss was about and seeing it's applicability. I dropped that quick. My economics class was, according to the syllabus, about economics in the real world and how it applied to our current economy. It was about neither and was just a waste of time. My precious time. History was vaguely interesting. It was American History I believe. I did the work, I remembered the dates, but once again I felt it was, simply, a waste of my precious time. I would go to class and I would sit and I would stare. I would stare at this man who was teaching me and I would watch his mouth move. I would listen to his voice start then stop. I would try to guess his age. 73, maybe? My mind would wander to other things, more important things. Horsey things. It was over. Why did I need to know this? What does this mean to me, in my life?

That was the biggest problem I think I had with college. What does this mean to me? I felt like I had to do it but I certainly didn't care about it. I certainly didn't want to do it. I couldn't stand going to class and being asked a question I didn't know the answer to. My answer was that I didn't care. That was my answer. Of course I didn't say that. I said something wrong. Something stupid. Something that made my teacher look at me with disappointment. I was a failure and had set myself up for it. I didn't care. I couldn't care. Why bother? 

I will never forget one morning while I was driving to my history class. I was feeling particularly unenthusiastic. I got to campus and parked my car. I didn't move. I couldn't move. The strongest urge came over me like something I have never experienced. What if I didn't go to class? What if I just left? What if I put my car in reverse and just drove away. My teachers wouldn't miss me. I surely wouldn't miss them. It's not like I care....I thought about it. I prayed about it. Hard. I couldn't. I picked up my books and walked towards the building. I came to the doors. I stopped. I didn't move. I couldn't move. Again. What if? What if this isn't for me? What if I really am wasting my time? I couldn't. I walked into the doors and up the steps. I got to my class and stopped outside the door. I couldn't move. Again. I looked inside the room and saw my teacher at his desk. I saw the projector turned on. I saw students with their binders and books. I saw my future. 4 more years of this. In a room. Pretending. Pretending like I cared. Pretending like it meant something to me. Pretending like a college education was going to justify my life. My mind drifted to other things, more important things. Horsey things. The choice was simple. As I drove away I never in my life have felt so empowered as a human being. 

I read something not too long ago about Michelle Obama's mother. She started running when she was in her 60's. She ran everyday. She was good. Real good. So good that she competed in the Senior Olympics and finished moderately. One day she fell and did something to her hip. The doctors told her she would be able to run again but not as well. She hasn't run since. When asked about this she replied "if you can't win, why bother." While this statement mortifies me to some extent, I largely agree. If you're going to do something, do it wholeheartedly, with every intention to do and be the best. I couldn't do college wholeheartedly. I couldn't make myself care. Why bother...