Sometimes it just hits me square in the face how much I don't understand about life. I'll be eating, driving, going to sleep and BAM, right in the face. There is simply so much I don't know. I can try to think about it, wrap my brain around it, but I never get anywhere. My head is full of unanswered and unanswerable questions.
Dear sweet baby Jesus in heaven. There is so much I don't know. Tell me something. If God created the beginning of the world, what then, or who, created God? If the beginning of the world was created by science over bajillions of years and we are just one planet in a gigantic universe, what, then, created the universe? when? We live on this earth and we die on this earth. Is there really an end? What does forever mean? Forever is a long time. When will forever end? Why does forever scare me? I am here. in this place. why? for how long? what's next, that is, before I die?
I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Am I supposed to?
All I know is that I know nothing- Socrates
Why is Andy being so reflective? Why so many questions?
In the past 2 weeks I've been told at least 5 times that I should go back to college. In this economy, you know, you need a college education to have ANY chance of getting a job. What are you going to do, work for someone else for the rest of your life, keep earning 6,000 dollars a year? How are you going to afford a family, much less, yourself? People mean well. I think they say it because they care. I'd like to think so. Regardless, anytime someone mentions the word college to me my skin curls. Why do you suddenly care about my life? Since when have I meant anything to you that you can stand here and tell me what's best for me? You don't know me. Sadly, there is truth in these statements, and these questions. Maybe that's why they irritate me so much. What am I doing out of college? Will I work for someone forever? Will I ever be able to comfortably support myself? Why am I here?
Answers. I want answers. I want certainty. I want peace of mind. Tell me. please.
There are so many questions swirling around in my head. It's hard to pin them down and set them straight; to sift through the doubt and the certainty. I want to be wise. I want truth.
Do I think I'll ever go back to college? No. I don't. Why does that embarrass me? How, then, does this work?
What is life?
I just saw a mare give birth. She now has the cutest little colt by her side on this very night. He has such a long life to live. He is so small and so confused about the world around him; this new world full of people and grass and clouds. As he grows, he will learn to run. He will learn to play. He will learn to love this very world around him, the one that was so confusing at first.
Life is beautiful.
4 comments:
i have much to say about your post, but first i have a story to tell. i was at the rodeo tonight, i know right?, and they were racing carriages and 2 of the horses fell over of the 6 tied together and i can't explain how traumatic it was. seriously traumatic. im sitting in the middle of the rodeo with a bunch of people who kinda care and im crying and praying. dont forget the praying. then, 50 people surround the horse and eventually, 10 minutes later, the horse gets up. i hated every moment of it. i couldnt believe the one rodeo i go to, this happens. i need you to tell me the horse is gonna be okay and then i will write more about your post.
Jen, that is quite a story. First, I am very surprised you that you were at the rodeo...I feel like you stand against basically everything that goes on there. Second, what a tramatic event to witness. oy. I cant imagine what all the kids watching were thinking. not to mention you. Im sorry that happened.
Andy, your questions ring true. I must tell you, first of all, that I am listening to my new Shari Addison cd on full blast as I type this....she is AWESOME. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Right now she is telling me the battle is not mine. she is right.
anyways, andy, the battle is not yours. F society and its cages. if you dont want to go to college, dont. its not like youre sitting around in your parents basement wasting your life. you ARE DOING something great. if you have to get a part time job at starbucks someday...o well. I think I might be very ignorant of the future, though. I have NO idea what I'll be doing after I graduate or in 10 years or whatever. All I know is that I have to be happy. I say I dont care about income, but I probably will. But mark my words, I think I would work at Jamba Juice again just to be able to do something I enjoyed for a living (writing!!!!)
so basically im saying----please dont let the world stress you out. its ok not to know (I loved the socrates quote, btw)
All im saying is that I, for one, will support you in whatever you do. PERIOD. and so will shari addison. and God. as long as its not murder.
Andy
THe people who are most succesful in life follow their heart. If you do that, the doors will open at the right time. And if you do follow your heart and you don't get rich, you will at least be happy. Many people can't even say that.
That being said you probably should think about taking some creative writing courses. You do such a good job in your writing and it could open into a career that is part of your life with horse; you could have both.
Lynnette
p.s. College isn't for everyone and not everyon who goes to college gets rich!
yeah, f society and its cages, just like shannon says. but if we listen closely, society has a lot to tell us. we must listen closely though. we must ponder it ways and rules and realize how we are alike and unlike it. we do not need to follow but i believe its important to understand.
i think most of us have those questions. my dad always says, "when i grow up, i want to be..." it almost gets harder the older you get, so what to do? EMBRACE. embrace where i am, where you are. change can come so quickly, so slowly and we just don't know. too many unknowns, just like your blog says. so i say EMBRACE. embrace the weather, the good convo, the good drink, the good friend, the sad times, sad mood, hard convos, guilty feelings, blessings, curses, and everythig in between. i will now go make a t-shirt that says, "jUst EmBraCE"
Post a Comment