Happy.

I want to write something but I don't know what to say. Perhaps it's because at the moment my mind is lost in it's own thoughts; thoughts about the future, the past, and where I fit in it all. At times I feel so certain about my life ahead and at times I feel like I'm only kidding myself, blinded by my own ambition. I want someone to tell me exactly what it is I need to do and yet how can anyone possibly know what's best for me? There is no one path for every person to take, but many, and to each his own. No one person can tell me how to walk it.

The other day I saw a fascinating interview with 2 psychics on TV. They've predicted some amazing things and have documented proof of their predictions coming to reality. They've devoted their life to helping people get out of bad situations and solving murders, etc. They talked about our ability to change the future, good or bad. They said they were buddhist but spoke of a very loving God.

Growing up in the church I have some very set in stone ideas about the world no matter how vague they seem to be. I feel like psychics have always been associated with witchcraft and, consequently, evil. I do think a lot of psychics are phony, but what if there are people who can really see the future? Even prophets in the old testament made some pretty accurate predictions, specifically Jesus' coming. Who's to say there aren't any around today?

Okay. okay. Back to the point. When I was watching the interview it got me thinking about the future and how planned out it really is. Like, okay, if my life is already planned out why can't I just sit back and let it play out how it may. It would be a hell of a lot easier. I shouldn't have to worry about planning my life when it's already planned out. But maybe I have to work at it for it to come to fruition. Maybe I do have the ability to change my future. Then I feel like every choice I make is that much more important. What if I make a poor choice? Does it derail my entire chances of success?

I keep running in circles. Why can't I just let it all happen? Why does it have to be so hard?

And then I keep going back to harry potter. I finished reading the 7th one again not too long ago and it really is my favorite book ever. Harry and Voldemort were destined to fight- one cannot live while the other survives. It would have been so much easier if someone had told harry exactly what he had to do but instead he had to find out on his own. He had to fail and learn and grow. Friendships were tested and strengthened. Every little thing made him wiser and more apt to overcome evil; the inevitable battle that he could have lost but he instead won.

My life is way less cool and exponentially less exciting than that of "the boy who lived," but it's every bit as full. I look to Caruso and I have NO CLUE what's going to come of us. Should I hold on to a hope or let go and move on? What if I make the wrong decision, either way? Time will tell.

In conclusion, I am taking a note from my 6th grade science fair project involving the intensity of a crickets chirping in relation to the temperature. I have no conclusion. The data was screwy and too many variables were involved to make one final, perfectly packaged conclusion. I still got an A, however, because I very honestly pointed this out on my aesthetically pleasing science fair trifold board.

I still don't know what to think of this silly little thing called life. I just know I have to trust, without a doubt, that it will work out, what's meant to be will be, and I can't really screw it up too bad.