Happy.

It's hard because I want to update my blog but that would imply that I have something new to say. I don't. I'm just here, same as always, waiting to hear back from different people and trying to wrap my brain about who I was, am, and am meant to be.

I'm 20 years old. I have a great big life in front of me. It's okay to be unsure and unclear about things. It's okay to not know what's coming next. It sucks, but it's okay.

I'm so over going young riders and being the best there is. I don't need instant success. I don't need for people to know who I am. I just want to make it to Grand Prix someday. I just want to figure out how to ride Caruso. That's all I want, whatever that looks like. I still feel like someone punches me in the stomach whenever I read or see these young riders on these super trained horses doing changes like they're nothing. I just pray pray pray they realize how lucky they are. Dressage is not a game to be played, it's an art to be perfected.

When I look at the big picture I see myself working and apprenticing somewhere for maybe the next 5 years or so before I even think about settling down with a training business. Then I'll hopefully be able to train and show and see where that leads me. Long term I think I really have to be involved in helping foster ambitious talented youth in this country because there is absolutely nothing for us out there. It's a free for all and a crap shoot. All we need is for someone connected to show us the way, or, if nothing else, encourage us. Money shouldn't be the only reason to be successful.

I think I've really had to grow a lot in the past several months, starting with my time at Tempel. It was a painfully hard time, and I still get sick thinking about it, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. Coming back and being here has been hard to, with things definitely being unclear and uncertain. Living day to day with the hope of tomorrow. It's okay.

That's life; learning and growing from sucky situations. Chipping away and breaking your back and sweating tears. Coming home tired and waking up early and losing sleep. Pushing. Struggling. Reaching. Living. Never losing sight of who we were meant to be. destined to be. made to be.