Happy.

Christmas is over and a new year is quickly approaching. A year full of possibilities and engulfed in mystery awaits; a year that is sure to bring successes, failures, joys, and sorrows; one that will inevitably bring change and continue to foster growth. I am confidant in this new year; confidant that things will happen just as they should, confidant that doors will open and close just when they need to, and confident that these things will be revealed to me even if it is not in my time. I am confidant in knowing that I have many weaknesses, but also confidant in knowing that I have many strengths. And so I look to this new year and am ready to dive in with all that I have and eagerly await to see where this life may lead me. Watch out.

I just got back from taking a week off with my family in my dear warm Houston. I needed it. It is always such a throwback to go back home. Everything feels exactly the same but is eluded by the steady rhythm of life as I knew it. It's weird to think that time, in the very room that used to be my own, has passed since I was last there and that life has gone on, with or without me. It is impossible for me to pretend that this part of my life here at Tempel Farms never was, and that I never had left that room or that life in Houston. No matter how hard I tried it wasn't the same. Life has gone on, and will continue to go on. My sister is married now and is wonderfully happy, but the reality of it is that I feel very selfishly alone without her always there when I want her, because she always makes me smile. And so being at home, surrounded by the people that I love most dearly is unbelievably strange, because I feel alone, not because of them, but because of the realization that life has indeed gone on, and things just aren't like they used to be when I was 12, no matter how much I wish they were. I am no longer blissfully unaware about life and decisions and money and obligations- and it's just weird. Life will never be the same. It's sad, and scary, and daunting, but it's not like I can be 12 forever. Time passes and life goes on.  

While I was in Houston I was so fortunate to go back, as always, to Hearthstone, my second home away from home. I enjoyed it so much. I got to see all the faces of the people I so sorely miss, I got to see how great all of the horses are doing, and most importantly I got to ride little Roky who just couldn't help but put a smile on my face. I miss it all so much and, once again, it is weird to think that life has gone on, and as much as I love it there, I also love it here, and no matter how hard I try, it is impossible for me to be in 2 places at once.

Don't get me wrong, I did have a good Christmas being with friends and family. I got some DVDs of the 2001 USDF Symposium with Isabell Werth, living dressage legend and most importantly my hero. She is something else- unbelievably brilliant. She has such an unbelievable understanding for the horse and it's well being. She is definitely not one to say more then she thinks necessary. I read a review of it that called her the worst clinician the USDF has ever hosted. That makes me laugh because she really isn't a crowd pleaser in the way she teaches. She doesn't say good unless it's great and she doesn't move on unless the point she's trying to make has been achieved. She also doesn't have a very large english vocabulary, which doesn't help. Regardless, I loved it. She demands that the horse be forward and round and work back to front, that he doesn't just accept the bit, but that he takes it. She said "outside rein" like a every other word. I admire her. I respect her. I want to ride like her. She is great. 

So here I am, back in my cabin, back in my world that has inexplicably become home. Here I am, refreshed, refueled, relieved, and reminded that I really do love this. I missed this.

Caruso missed me too. 

bad.

I can tell.