Happy.

my blogs always sound so depressing....oh well....get ready for another one.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm burnt out. exhausted. spent. drained...

I don't want to be here really. I'm sick of the lipizzans, sick of the performances, and sick of being a slave for people. Most of all, I'm sick of waiting for Caruso and I to get better.

I've said it before, I've sort of accepted the fact that we won't really get anywhere, but, for whatever reason, every time I ride him it shocks me a little just how far we haven't come. It's like I hope that every time I get on him things will magically change. Trainers have never been an issue- they've all told me the same thing while, at the same time, telling me one day we'll just get it. One day.....3 years later....not much better....I've been really hard on him, sometimes too hard. I've been really easy on him, sometimes too easy. I take ridiculous care of him. He's never really had any lameness problems. There are no excuses. I'm tired of making excuses for why we aren't better than we are. I feel like I've put so much effort, passion, and pain into this and it's gotten me no where. Should I have even bought him in the first place?? I don't know. There's no one to blame for it. It's just the way it is.

I'm not stupid. I know I'm learning a lot from this. It doesn't make it any easier.

I can take the mental, physical, and emotional abuse when there's something in it that brings me joy. I'm here to improve on Caruso. It's not happening. I walk into the barn and I feel a world of stress on my shoulders and my head begins to ache no matter what mood I'm in. I sort of feel like Caruso and I need to improve or I need to leave and get out of this place. Get out and move on.

What does that even mean?

I'd probably email Steffen Peters to see if he takes working students. Most likely he'll say no and I'll happily move back to Texas. But what do I do with Caruso? I can't afford to buy another without selling Caruso and it sucks because I know for a fact we couldn't sell Caruso for anything close to what we payed for him.....who would want to buy him for anything other than a pet?

I don't know that I've ever been more frustrated or discouraged in all my life......never ever ever. It's like all the stress finally caught up to me no matter how hard I've been trying to push it away. It just hit me and I can't push it back this time.

I don't need you to feel sorry for me or take pity on me. It will work out......some how...

one day........

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