Happy.

The rain is coming, the sun is too
maybe this time I'll, know what to do
I can stand, or I can fight
either way, I'll be alright


Writing is so therapeutic for me. I can say whatever I damn well want to say, and, for whatever reason, I can articulate it in ways that escape me when I speak. People can choose to read it or they can choose not to. That is not up to me. I just write.

I can not tell you in detail what a mad mad week it has been. I wouldn't even want to write it all down nor would you want to read it. I can only tell you that I feel as though I have been through every emotion possible. I have been sick, I have been angry, upset, sad, lonely, tired, refreshed, relieved, stressed, impatient, disappointed, embarrassed, concerned, heartbroken, content....It's weird. Whenever I have so many emotions coming at me I shut down, quit feeling, become numb, and, consequently, I have this out of body reflective experience.

It's weird. I have a job that enables me to fulfill my dreams and yet sometimes it makes me want to punch out a window, kick down a wall, or scream bloody murder. How can I love something and yet hate it at the same time?

More importantly.

Is it worth it? The physical, mental, and emotional tolls on a daily basis. It's a job that most don't last a couple months and yet...why do I stay? Is it worth it? The question of the century.

It was so interesting this weekend when I got kicked. I'm okay, by the way, I have a crazy bruise but I can already walk normally on it now. It doesn't hurt half as much as it did. It hurt like crazy the first 2 days. Everyone was nice and would ask me, "oh, Andy, how's your leg?" "Fine," I would say. Why? Because fine is a much easier answer than "it hurts like a bitch." Fine is a simple answer that makes people feel better about themselves. "It hurts like a bitch" makes people ask you follow up questions and seem concerned, like they have this burden of your pain on their shoulders. People leave you alone with "fine," not with "it hurts like a bitch." It's easier just to pretend like everything is peaches and cream.

What a hell of a metaphor.

So, ladies and gentlemen. My job is not peaches and cream. It sucks actually. Pleasing people who cannot be pleased. That's it in a nutshell. I'll tell you one thing about this job. I've developed tough skin and one hell of a backbone.

So. Why do I stay? Is it worth it?

Those thoughts were flooding my head all weekend...and then I rode Caruso on Sunday night and I think, well, geeze, maybe it is worth it. It made me happy, like, happier than I have been in a while. There is something so profound about the complexities of riding. I get such an intellectual joy out of it.

Whenever I need inspiration I watch this DressageClinic video of Steffen Peters riding Floriano. It will always inspire me, no matter how much I watch it. That is what I want to be. period.

Did I answer my questions? Not exactly, other than, I will not be working for someone forever. I am always growing and improving and Tempel Farms is not where I will spend the rest of my days. It is one hell of an experience and Caruso and I have much to learn, but hear me when I say- I AM going to make it. Just you wait.

I am going to be just "fine"